Smiley McGrouchpants Jr. Esq. III
3 min readJan 28, 2023

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Castro killed Kennedy.

It was Castro who killed John F. Kennedy -- it was in the Hoover documentary, about the F.B.I., on Tubi . It said, previous to the Bay of Pigs, like everybody knows, Kennedy had tried to kill Castro a couple times, and I'm watching it like everybody does, thinking "yeah yeah, that's the weather that week, who cares, what's *next* ... " -- but *Castro* cared. The problem with the Bay of Pigs itself was that we, the U.S., couldn't decide it Cuba was apples or ORANGES -- Allen DULLES specifically rigged the thing so it would fail, so Kennedy would have to prop it up with air cover, but Kennedy wouldn't *do* that, it was an act of war, he had other things to think about and they were supposed to *guarantee* this thing for him ... "You people are supposed to cover this for me!!!" He wasn't supposed to have to worry about it. He didn't want to go to wae with Cuba. *But you have to make a choice*. Castro was, really, three things: a (1.) militarily-installed (2.) leader of their country who was the (3.) victor -- you look at Allende, the Democrarically-elected leader of Chile, who was ousted and replaced by Pinochet, it is one of the most shameful records in our history and everyone's upset about it, and it happened because the CIA (the U.S.) were completely scared shitless by the Soviet Union, and the prospect of nuclear war -- it justified all sorts of things. But we all think of Castro like I did, watching the documentary -- "yeah yeah yeah, Kennedy tried to kill Castro," because he was *violent*. But that meant he was a *bad-ass*, and you shouldn't fuck with him -- you shouldn't try to kill him and *miss*. Che Guevara was still *alive* when Kennedy died -- I'm sure they both liked Jack KENNEDY, everybody *did*, but you don't kill Allen DULLES any more than you kill Bobby Kennedy or ROSE Kennedy -- you kill the county's leader. And I'm sure Castro called whoever-it-was soon as the shots rang out and said, "Hi, I'm Fidel CASTRO, I'm this country's *leader*, stop trying to kill me, I just killed *your* country's leader, very unfortunate but if you'll agree, your country would want to go to WAR with mine, which would lead to the Soviet Union's BACKING me and then World War Three and the end of the world, so stop trying to kill me!!! Thanks!!!" [CLICK!] And then Jack Ruby killed Lee Harvey Oswald and went to prison for the rest of his life, and half of the Warren Commission buried the other half in blind leads and dead trails, and no-one tried to kill Castro. He lived out the rest of his life that way. *But no-one thought it was a problem*. It's because the U.S. couldn't decide it were wre a nice guy or "tough," which is a problem we've had, and this case it came back and bit us on the ass. *The Kennedy people weren't even watching for it*. The other shooter(s), Oswald -- who *cares*?? They used a Datsun to get there, they used a high-powered rifle, there were three of them, there were four of them, they blend back into the woodwork once it's over -- *the leaders dead, mission accomplished, stop trying to kill Castro*!!! Because Batista really was that bad. And Castro was militarily-trained, militarily-CAPABLE ... but we thought we could pat him on the head, because he wasn't the U.S., or Khrushchev. Or Charles De Gaulle, for that matter, or goddamn Japan, or fucking Scandinavia -- were weren't *looking*, we really weren't.

So.

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Smiley McGrouchpants Jr. Esq. III

I wrote the story “Rand vs. RAND" as well as “Icosadyadria” and “Crouching Schuyler, Hidden Dragon," two self-published books granted feat. reviews in "Kirkus."